Life hasn't really gotten any better

I found a job workin with kids but had to quit cause the pay was low and my mom was taking and spending most of it telling me on how I owed her for living here and on how she took care of me.

My dad found a good paying job in Arizona and they all want me to go but I don't want to because I know how my family is and they will eventually treat me the same.

I lately watch Kyde and Eric on YouTube and honestly it's the only reason I haven't killed myself. They travel and make viewers or at least me part of that experience. Makes me sort of happy.

I can't wait for the next video.

I was borderline going to kill myself but now it makes me wonder what if I just leave the states? I mean this life sucks but maybe people from another country would maybe take interest in me and want to be my friend. I just want fun cool friends with similar tastes as me in something. As of yet I have realized gamers mainly don't listen to music while people who like music a lot aren't really gamers kinda sucks. Anime is my only friend for now, I cry myself thinking someday I'll have a cool friend with the same tastes and I will cherish him or her forever. ^-^

Why my family is against me

(This Blog is going to be a reminder to me on why my life is garbage)

So I'm sitting in a couch today. Before I begin let me remind you that I woke up to my brother telling my dog, "Look Bibi, don't eat to much food so you don't get fat like my brother" (aka me). First of all he's always like this and I wasn't always fat, because there was a point in my life when I was very very skinny but it was because when you are a teenager sometimes your metabolism speeds up. So I never changed my eating habits and thus I did get kinda fat but I don't think I am extremely fat.

So back to the main point he comes to me and starts bothering me about some clothes in my room and I start calling him a ugly fucker cause he doesn't have a girlfriend, and I said this out of rage. He starts getting mad and tries pissing me off even more. So I grab my Xbox and take it away because I am tired of him using my shit and talking shit and walking all over me.

He then begins to start pulling it from me and so I punch him but not hard cause he is my brother and I don't want to hurt him. He punches me back much harder which pissed me off and I was about to beat the shit out of him but my mom got between us. It sort of makes me wonder what is she here to do? Watch me get bothered and punched but when I want to finally do something she always protects my little brother???? I swear my mom is the most useless person in this house.

Worst of all she defends him and says that the things that I had said were much harsher and that I punched him first but the problem is that I go through this nearly every day and yet my mom does nothing about this??!!! It ridiculous.

Sometimes I consider suicide after looking at my debt and my current situation but I can't pull myself to do it honestly. I feel like  a coward cause honestly I am scared that it will fail and I will still be alive but like disabled or in a coma from what I read online. So what do I want to do? Well I want to right maybe enough bad things that happen in my life that maybe someday I can actually pull it off... that maybe someday it will be enough to actually let me kill myself.

Here are the current methods I am thinking about.
1. Over Dose on Tylenol and some sort of sleeping medicine so I die in my sleep
2. Jump of a cliff high enough to kill me in one blow
3. Get a gun and kill myself, like a shot to my head.


Anyways no one reads these so I'm not worried.
I'm just live my life the best I can... I'd give my life to get out of here... I'd give my life to be reborn in a white family with caring parents and a father who's there and who actually helps his son find a first job. I just wish I could've been born anything but a student ass ghetto fucking beaner mexican. I wish I was white and had a cool name like Kenneth or Ashen, but I don't. But maybe one day I can be happy... maybe one day n.n

When I'm reborn.

- Can't even find a fucking job

As if my life wasn't already a complete piece of crap... I still have to pay my upcoming school loans and some how live with what is known as my life. So I've applied to a lot of jobs all this week which I now know that I possibly will never fucking get. I applied at 4 Home Depots, 3 Targets, 5 Best buys, 2 Toys R Us and on the resume put as well that I went to "LAFILM SCHOOL" (which is a piece of crap school might I say in another post). And guess what I wake up with today? Every entry I made for a job position says "NO LONGER UNDER CONSIDERATION", if I don't find a job by the time my bills come I am literally considering suicide because while I want to live.... I DO NOT want to live knowing I owe so much money. Plus my girlfriend deserves better, she's been giving me support and telling me to keep trying while she is in a bad predicament of her own with her parents at their home.

Anyways it just goes to show you that life sucks and honestly let's all just beat up some young kids for their cellphones so we make easy money. If you are in LA and can give me a job please email me at

linocordova@outlook.com

Prostatitis giving me suicidal thoughts

Prostatitis is officially ruining my life...

I only feel normal for bout 1 hour a day if you add up the pauses, it start with burning on the head of my penis, then my whole penis, then my prostate, sometimes both. It feels like someone is piercing my penis with a knife from the urethra going in all the way to my pelvic area.

I sit here just living like this... Why do I have to live like this? Than I thought... I don't have to live like this in a sense.

It makes me super depressed cause people think that its something one can just handle but let me shine some light on how this feels. Have you ever had a real bad cut or scrape? Chances are everybody has at one point in life, well its like that but like 50 times worse and the pain just never stops, its stings, burns, and hurts forever. I would cry from the pain before but now I just tolerate it, I ended up trying to make myself believe that its possible to live like this. I did a part time work for a while and I realized I can live like this but the life I'm living is one that I rather not live at all, because the stress only makes it worse while working so I would sometimes be crying while peeing or working, not crying out loud but tears coming out my eyes. I have reason to believe this is the reason why I wasn't hired full time.

I've promised myself the second the pressure went away and the burning stopped I would run down the beach happy but the more time passes the more I begin to realize that the day may never come. I have hopes that maybe it'll get cured on its own because since I have free medical until maybe one more month when I turn 21. I am currently waited to be sent to a urologist but my doctor says that they can't get in contact with my insurance so maybe they're waiting til I turn 21 so they don't have to pay for it.

If anyone can help me in some way I'd be eternally grateful...
I just want to see a doctor and live a normal life....

The more that days pass with this terrible feeling.. the more I feel like I longer want to live and when the pain gets extremely intense and I'm crying in bed... I keep thinking about suicide...

What makes me sad is that I wasn't this kind of person before and I lost friends because I can't go outside or do anything cause of the pain. I use to love going out to parties with friends, going to the mall to watch movies and visit my girlfriend who lives an 3 hours away on bus. I miss her so much and I'm surprised she puts up with the mess I've became..

If I didn't have her I think I probably would kill myself already, I don't do it cause I don't find it fair for her to go through something like that but at this point I just don't want to live. If I can go to sleep and never wake up it would be a blessing in a sense.

Anyways these are just my thoughts, and I know something like this doesn't compare to a disease like cancer where people would give anything just to live but I just want to live normal... I miss being able to be normal, and sure I'm happy to be able to enjoy sometime with the people I care about... but when you are 21 and don't have a job and cry most of the day or mope around because of pain people won't tolerate you... not even your own family...

And when your family turns on you... what do you do? You have nearly nothing left but to just cry on the floor and wait to hopefully die and then maybe they can understand.... or suicide so may they get what you were actually going through....

Today isn't as bad

I'm at my aunts trying to distract myself from prostatis hopefully if I go out more it'll calm down.

At least there was wings and pizza. <3

Going to watch more anime and then finish my anime reviews.

I'm the root of their problems

So as you might know my parents wanted to go to Fresno and wanted to leave me at home. I have what I believe is Chronic Prostatis so it was acting up real bad this morning.

I couldn't get up and thus parents thought I was just kicking it in bed not want to do anything. So one argument lead to the next and at the end it lead to my parents arguing about how I'm lazy and don't want a job.

I honestly wish I can get a doctor to come and explain it to them but they expect me to live with it and tell me, hey at least it's not cancer. What kind of comparison is that?

Anyways today is being a real shitty day. I hate the weekends so bad. Since they were originally going to be gone this weekend I was thinking about inviting friends over secretly and gaming all night to get my mind off my Prostatis. Oh well, thus is my life which equals shit.

Last night it burned, this morning it burned, why god? Universe?

So every day is a struggle what I think is prostatis goes up and down. When it acts up pee takes forever to come out while burning me inside, pressure in pelvic area and UTI like symptoms. 

It sucks so bad I've down about smashing my thing between a door or cutting it off. Worst of all the people you are suppose to depend on like family are literally the last people you can trust.

Making matters worst my prostatis hurts more when I'm sitting so they expect me to drive for 30-40 mins? Telling me I have to live like this? Seriously family = useless 

I hope the urologist clears this up so I can live normal and just get a job, move out and live on my own. I just want to live normally again.